Hidden behind the beautiful jade green is a town full of shocking mystery… The Twilight Zone.
So we already said this before: Man! This town is crazy! I honestly don’t remember it being this upside down. But then there’s the outside looking in factor, I guess. Just so you know, once you cross the Mtwapa/Shimo la Tewa bridge in serious trouble. That’s not a typo. This ish is so serious we have no time for the ‘you are’ before the ‘in serious trouble’.
1. Life begins at 8pm. Day time is sluggish. I get it, it’s way too hot and humid around here. But seriously, it took a while before we figured out that waking up at 5am and sleeping at 10pm was shutting out a whole lot of stuff.
First of all, the sun wakes up here like it is on an overdose of caffeine, speed and E. 5.30 am rise and shine! Now let’s get out and do stuff! OMG Imma toast you black, peaches! !!! By 8am it feels like 1pm Nairobi. Goes downhill after that.
Now we wake up at 5am, write till 2pm and sleep till 8pm, then we are up and about till 2am. Seriously, after 7pm is when we go shopping (the supermarket and Mpesa are open 24 hours, the vendors bring out their wares at 6pm, only the banks haven’t figured out they could do the 24 hour thing too), to the salon – 24 hour salons (really good mani-pedis and massage if you can handle it), for a walk down to the market or village to buy viazi karanga and mahamri, watch people while sipping at sodas at Mumtazz (no one to watch during the day)… we even did a midnight walk just to see how dead we could get.
2. 90% of the men have dreadlocks. Also they are hot, from the neck down. We’ve been going to this gym, so we know these people put in a lot of effort into their workout. A whole lot of them are also manual workers, so this incredible physical fitness might be from that. But you can actually count the number of men who are out of shape and unfit. My girls have seen quite a bit of eye candy (Ok, so have I), but that is all ruined when the man opens his mouth and out comes the worst kind of lewd and crude.
[No pictures of 90% hot men]
3. Girls walk around naked. With the heat, people naturally have an aversion to clothing. I’ve had issues. But that is no reason for me to go into the centre of town in broad freaking daylight wearing nothing but umm for lack of a better description, half a shirt and teeny weeny boxer shorts that slide into certain cracks and make it look like a bad loo day. I have no idea who on viagra gets horny looking at that.
Oh yeah, that’s the other thing. Mtwapa is built on the sex trade. So if you meet a person of the female gender who isn’t someone’s respectable wife, sister or daughter, they are probably hustling girls. Nothing wrong with a honest day’s work. But I just cannot get this town’s obsession with having sex with really old white people for money.
[No photos of really old white people. Or hot naked girls. There's an app for that]
So we met a new friend, geek boy from Germany. Going by the rules of the town, he absolutely could not believe we were good little girls from Nairobi come down to write and not get into trouble. Well, we didn’t believe it either. But Michael thought we were twilight girls either being kept at the apartments by an invisible rich mzungu or somehow staying there in hopes of finding hot, rich men from Germany (read not hot, likely wizened, old-enough-to-be-my-dad-or-granddad, and maybe not so rich, likely serial killer or mafia underdog on the run).
Anyway, when Geek-Boy finally believed we were mummy’s girls, he came around and started telling us hilarious stories about the relationships between the twilight girls and their mzungus.
Turns out, when fresh girls show up, ie us, the mzungus look at each other and ask:
“Do you know her? Have you had her? Is she one of them?”
Good Lord, I need time to get over this town!
4. Total strangers hit on you. It does not matter what you look like, big, small, old enough or not, as long as it is obvious you are an out-of-towner everyone including the matatu tout will stop doing their work to cross the road and tell you how they have just seen you, fallen in incredible starbursting love and want to marry you or have sex with you whichever comes first.
[No pictures of starbusting sex in public. There's a site for that]
There’s more, I promise, some of them have just shocked the S out of my Z I’m gonna need time to write them out properly.