There are days when I wake with my goals in life absolutely clear. Those are the days I do not hesitate to make choices that I know are right for my life path. Those are the days I frown when I see people making faulty choices (as if I would know what is faulty for them). Those are the days I get impatient with every one around me, because they hesitate too much.
Then I wake up, and I am just an average Nairobi girl, with questions, fears and worries. Then I think twice before I decide. Okay sometimes thrice. Then I feel that the world around me is too fast and time is running out on me. Then when people make choices, right or wrong, I shrug and say, ‘It’s their life. They have a prerogative to live it as they wish.’ Those are the best days of my life.
I want to know what I want, where I am going. But life has no formula. It just will not let us be sure. Once you figure one thing out, it runs off and topples everything else. It helps if you have someone or something to kick your ass and get you back on your feet and back on the path. My kick in the ass has been for the last few months, Daddy.
Sometimes a conversation with Daddy goes like this:
“Hello, Daddy, how are you today?”
“Very well, dear, how are you?”
“I am okay.”
“Hmm…. You sound strange. Are you alright? How is Carl?”
“Carl? He is okay.”
Daddy so strangely knows me, he can tell it has been a bad day for me from the moment I say hello on the phone from 2500 miles away. I generally have no idea how he is unless he sighs sadly, then I have to ask, or he rambles on happily, then I will know all about it.
I am a selfish brat. Sometimes I forget that my life is not just about me. It has everything to do with the people I love. I make my choices. I hesitate. The people who care watch. A few of them watch and hope I will figure it out. The others find a way to impose their opinions on me. Daddy, is the one person who seems to just be watching, but always manages to imprint his opinion on me.
I met him only short time ago. Yes, your mouth is wide open now, isn’t it? Never mind. If you keep up with me, the answer to your question will be clear soon. Anyway, Daddy is so openly controversial that I watch for flying objects when I happen to walk with him down a street. He has opinions about everything, and voices them, sometimes when no one cares to side with him, but he voices them anyway.
He has taught me, in the last few months about integrity, and loyalty, and absolute truth to self. That has been hard for me. This brings me back to the beginning of my article.
When I wake up with absolutely no idea what I am doing, Daddy kicks me back to life with humorous sometimes quite arscebic titbits of information, usually about prominent people, that generally remind me that more than anything, that what I do must be governed by personal integrity and loyalty to those who deserve and have the right to expect it from me.
So, one, two, three, open your eyes. What will it be today?