Edge of the Cliff

On March 27th, this year, on a Citi Hoppa Bus from Ongata Rongai to the City Centre, I suffered a severe attack of pain that started about ten minutes after I boarded the bus and lasted the entire 1 hour and 20 minute ride. I got off the bus and pretty much crawled to my Doctor’s office. After a shot of a pretty strong pain killer, my system seemed to return to normal, I even made it to work on time, with a schedule for medical tests that evening.

That was the herald of a pretty severe acute attack of a long standing chronic condition. Before the weekend was over, the rest of my system came crashing down. Two weeks of intense pain, high fevers, fatigue, nausea, all symptoms of an immune system attacking the rest of my body and itself to boot.

I should have known it was coming.

Strain, stress and discontent are my worst enemies. No, Doc says and I believe him, stress can be good for me, when I am enjoying my work and I believe in my life. But it has not been like that. To prove it, it seems I have been subconsciously creating little fall back pockets, which fortunately in the light of today have formed a huge parachute to break my free fall.

My friends, my family, well they are absolutely certain that I am insane. But in the last three weeks they have rallied around me, cheered me on, held their breath, and cheered for me again.

Last night, I dreamt that I was standing at the edge of a cliff. One step forward and I could fall to my death, turned to pulp over the jagged rocks below. But from up here, I can see the incredible beauty of the jade blue sea spreading into the far horizon. From up here I can see the rolling green hills of potential. From up here I can see the paths that will lead me to the beauty of being alive.

Today, I took a longer walk than I have been taking since I fell ill. Yeah, the pain in my back is searing yellow white. But hey, I’m sitting here typing this aren’t I? Because nothing, not fear, not pain, not anybody in this whole wide world, can take away this strength I have to survive and love life.

© Juliet Maruru 2009 http://www.jmaruru.wordpress.com

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