I am angry. Well, I’ve been angry for a looong while. About 6 weeks. Now it is time to purge and let go. So I am going to write about it.
I am generally a trusting soul. I know, by first hand experience that human beings can be absolute monsters. But for some reason, I walk around giving everyone the benefit of doubt. I am not perfect either, after all.
Then I get screwed.
I get this bitter taste in the back of my tongue every time I stare at the laptop neatly closed and arranged at the edge of the desk my mum got me when I told her I’d gotten a job as a freelance writer. I love the desk, its kinda cool, but I often prefer to sit on the floor. Something happens when I am not struggling to stay in equilibrium against gravity. I get all these ideas that sometimes overflow and cause a brain jam. Then I sit at the desk and try to get the ideas in order.
I don’t use that laptop. I prefer the old model that my buddy refurbished for me. Daddy gave it to me, for pretty much the same reason my mum brought me the desk. Somehow, in spite of the daily struggle with depression and despair, the two people I love most in the world never make me feel that I am useless. They remind me to laugh, to stay with my chin up, to find pleasure in little things like feed and play with my kitties.
I am going to put away that laptop. As long as I see it, my disappointment keeps spiking. It almost feels like it is staring at me, reminding me in hushed tones that human beings are not to be trusted at all, ever. But I know that is not true. I have people around me who everyday uphold their integrity, keep their promises, and prove that not all human beings have an inherent leaning towards deceit, injustice, and plain evil.
Once I’ve put away the laptop, now a cursed reminder, maybe then I can get back my focus on the more important things.
Now I’m just going to go over to the Princess Project (K) and see what the team has been doing today 🙂
Everything will be alright.
© Juliet Maruru 2010 www.jmaruru.wordpress.com