Gallows Humour for your Monday – T. B. I. M.

This funny email is written in first person, but not by me! This is something that no one should ever do (you can probably get away with it if you live in Kanyariri) and I hope the picture is a fake (well, I am trying not to think of my neighbour’s horrid kids).

Most of the world’s urbane/modern populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of ‘those moments’. One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with one of my children, in case you would like to use the technique.

Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

Well, all I can say for the nest one is; at least she has her priorities right.

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club and have a martini.

He's mine, even after I am gone!

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”

The woman said, “I don’t want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”
 
 
 

Oops!

I was in the Citihoppa yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better and then I noticed that everybody was staring at me….

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my music on my phone with earphones.
 
 
 

OMG!

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.

“You b*stard,” the man says,” my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
 
 
 

Religious Gadgets

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.  She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:

“Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”

“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?”

“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”

“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”,he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”

The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.”

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”

Have yourself a nice week!

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