He looks into my eyes. He did that when I was just a girl, 17 years old, impressionable, precocious. I would melt every time. He was the man of my dreams. Still is. But it’s not the same anymore. I am a woman. I might still not be done figuring out who I am, but I know what I want.
I look into his eyes. I did that when he was almost a man. He laughed back then, and I knew that he had more power over me than I did over him. I was just a girl. Still am. And it’s not the same anymore. He is a man. So when he held my hand when the pain was racking me, and said:
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
I knew the lyrics, but I believed him. Because it’s here, and now.
There, then, I would have done anything for him, give up my dreams, be happy just being part of him. I still want to be part of him, but now I think about what I want to be as well.
Here, now, I think of my purpose on this earth, I think of the gifts I have, I think of the time I have and all the things I need to do with that time.
There, then, he held me at arm’s length; I was just a girl, he knew I would want to run free and find my dreams. So when I packed my bags up and walked away, he let me.
Here, now, he holds me close, he knows I am a woman, and that when I am done running after my dreams, I want to come home and be his woman.
There, then, I had the benefit of strength, endless curiosity, and unimaginable zest for life; I felt invincible, capable of conquering anything I set my mind on. I wanted pop and vodka twists with splashed of lime, orange and blueberry.
Here, now, I have the benefit of knowing what it’s like to have weak moments, my curiosity is still insatiable, I love life now more than ever before. I know I am not invincible, sometimes I will fail, but I am capable of being the best I can be. I still want pop, maybe squash and lemonade, the bright colours remind me that I am alive.
There, then, I hid the beat of my heart against my throat, and he hid away the pulse in his chest. 17, I was just a child, with stars in my eyes, slivers of hurt still stuck in my veins, and a bounce in my step; what a contradiction!
Here, now, we are both old enough to understand the pheromones, the adrenaline, the truth. Childlike – just old enough to understand the chemistry, and young enough to wonder at the physics. Still a contradiction!
This time… it’s complicated. What in life isn’t? But here, and now, that’s what we have.