Bottom of the Hole – Lupie Diaries

Aw shucks, I’m here again. So there comes a time when whether a Lupie fights hard or not, the pain drags them down to the bottom of the depression hole. I tell you that deep, dark, damp bottom is the worst place to be for anyone, and I’ve been there.

The last few weeks, the pain has been so bad I couldn’t think straight, keep work deadlines, talk to my friends, communicate with my family. I am thankful to those of you who have been there anyway.

When a Lupie is in flare [a period when the Lupus Syndrome is acute rather than chronic, signified by more infection, more pain, less energy and likely hospital stays], it can be hard to be optimistic. Sometimes even positive self-talk does not really work, because it is more the hormones rather than the mind ruling over the body’s chemistry. Most Lupies know how to spot a bad episode coming on. But sometimes it can catch you unawares.

Mine started with a cold after an event that I had looked forward to for weeks. It ushered in hours of mindless isolations, unbearable pain and a little anger. I guess I got to think a little more about things I usually ignore.

My neighbour who has a running vendetta with my cats…

My brother with whom my relationship has gone from bad to worse…

My father….

So I hit rock bottom.

But this morning, the GB showed up, and forced me to put on the sunscreen, at least 3 layers of it from head to toe, and then go outside and sit under the tree.

There’s something about the sun glinting off the morning dew on the rejuvenated grass. And a little kitten trying to catch an insect, and lick my toes and eat his own paws at the same time.

The other option is to watch movie reruns. Pirates of he Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, anyone?

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One thought on “Bottom of the Hole – Lupie Diaries

  1. So the pain causes the depression, not the other way round. I used to have ulcers. The pain sucked the joy out of EVERYTHING. I went to a pharmacist who gave me a bullshit diagnosis and by extention bullshit treatment. Eventually, a doc who actually knew what he was doing found and fixed the problem – a bacteria called H. Pylori. The pain went away. I can never understand people who like pain. It sucks.

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