Anticipación

I am looking forward to going back home. I am anticipating, and at the same time totally dreading going back.

I left Mtwapa a little under ten years ago. It wasn’t under the best of circumstances. And the better life I was leaving for didn’t work out exactly as I planned it. However, I must say here, my life has turned out better than I thought it would, perhaps better than it would have if I’d stayed in my little hometown.

About the time I was leaving Mtwapa I had found myself a little lost. I found that in spite of all that I thought I knew about myself I didn’t actually know anything at all about who I was. I was still a teenager. A scrawny teenager with stars and larger than life hopes in my eyes.

A lot still has not changed. But I can’t fit into that outfit.

It’s taken me a loooooong while to get where I am. Aware of who I am and the fact that there are things about me that are fixed and some that are fluid. And that there is nothing wrong with who I am, what I want, where I want to go…

I have no doubt that things have changed in Mtwapa. To be more exact, the people I might have known, those who made an impact on my life, knowingly, negligently or otherwise – they have changed, probably moved on, passed on…

So while on the one hand I do dread meeting the ones who made my life miserable. I am looking forward to seeing those who loved me and cared for me, those I loved and adored, the ones I’ve missed since I left.

I wonder how old friends have changed, I hope some of them can be new friends. I hope to meet and make new friends, people I’ve never met who might have minds that can sharpen mine.

I hope that when it’s time to come back to my new home, my old hometown will not be an uncertain memory, but somewhere I can go back occasionally to remember, regroup, create…

Si aprendemos a pensar en ella como la anticipación, como el aprendizaje, como el cultivo, si pensamos en el tiempo que pasamos esperando que las grandes cosas de la vida como una oportunidad en lugar de un paso del tiempo, ¿qué horizontes se abrenmaravilloso! ~ Anna Neagle

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