My threshold for physical pain is very low. Very low. I hate pain. Unfortunately, since being diagnosed firstly with fibromyalgia and then Lupus, I’ve had way too many runins with pain. There are times when even someone’s loving touch is absolutely unbearable.
Pain threshold; the point at which a stimulus, usually one associated with pressure or temperature, activates pain receptors and produces a sensation of pain. Individuals with low pain thresholds experience pain much sooner and faster than those with higher thresholds; individuals’ reactions to stimulation of pain receptors vary.
Sometimes I wonder if my intolerance for pain has crossed over into my emotional and psychological parameters. I have been irritated and irritable the last few weeks. Part of that is the very real threat that I might be going out of the remission I’ve been enjoying as evidenced by increasing episodes of total fatigue and mini infections that have become more and more frequent.
This morning the GB told me that I may have become increasingly difficult to deal with, not because of the pains I’ve been experiencing, but because of my fear of being helpless and homebound again. When I allowed myself to listen to him, I see an inkling of truth in that. Okay, I’m working towards accepting it 🙂
I expect a lot of myself, even when I can barely deliver on my own goals. And so I tend to expect way too much of everyone around me. I like order. I like to be proactive, to expect problems, to work at creating contingencies that ensure that things will work out in the end, or at the very worst, that I will be prepared emotionally if they don’t. This is the only way I know how to control what happens around me. It gives me a measure of power when my body sabotages my plans.
I guess that would explain why my threshold for disorder and chaos is also very low. Unfortunately, when you are running a new business, working at an old relationship and trying to figure out your life path, things are not entirely orderly or organised. So I’ve been finding myself functioning on anger and anxiety which is not a good thing for the people around me or for my own health.
Honestly, the last few months I’ve barely been able to remember who I am. I’ve let myself forget to enjoy the period of strength and less illness that was somehow bestowed on me. I’ve lost my way.
I guess this is a note to me, to remind me who I am, where I am, and where I’ve been trying to go.