A New Canvas

Okay, so a few people have asked me why I am not writing here anymore.

The truth is, I have been in a bit of shock lately. I haven’t had much to say really. It’s been one of those situations you find yourself in and realise that it is all your fault and there is really nothing you can do except kick yourself really hard.

I’ve been frozen; mentally, emotionally, creatively, lost in a quicksand pit watching my balloon dream burst into nothing in the far horizon because of a decision I made.

I am not afraid of making mistakes. I am just totally terrified of not learning from my mistakes and finding myself in the same rut again. What I never really expected is to experience the kind of pain you feel when you realise that you made a mistake in allowing someone into your life.

I am a huge believer in accepting people as they are, choosing to love the ones I love with no conditions and letting go of the ones I feel I must impose conditions on. It is a system that generally works. I have this bunch of people around me who are not so perfect but who are brilliant and whom I would be loyal to no matter what. And if I meet someone and realise that I am consciously or subconsciously imposing conditions on them, I know those people are just not right for me and I move on. No pain. Occasional disappointments, a few hurdles here and there but no pain.

The result is that not only am I much happier, the people around me fuel my creativity and I in turn fuel theirs. The people I choose to allow in my life, usually have the same philosophy as I do. We are in each others’ lives because we chose to. We give as much as we get. We only take what we need. And we love with a fierce loyalty, boy, do we love! The result is that although we all have our own dreams, we back each other up, in good times and in bad, and we soar. Time, distance, occasional poverty, illness, they are not issues that can separate us. They are just little bumps in the road that we always overcome.

Usually, I said.

There was a gap in the fence. Some really bad vibes crept in. At the very least, the good vibes in my life have been getting cancelled out by really bad vibes coming from a direction I had definitely not braced myself against.

Here’s truth number 2, I set myself up for this one. The only thing I can hope for is that I have learnt something out of this, that I can move on from this anger and hurt, and I can start to paint a new canvas for my life.

Someone I absolutely adore (he has been kind enough not to say ‘I told you so’) told me today: You haven’t really lost anything. You just found out what you didn’t have. It hurts. But you’ll be ok.

P.S. Another human being I adore who has been watching me make this purge, is convinced you will all think this is about a lost lover. Whatever it is, the only thing I can say, hearts break, hearts mend, the only thing worse than heartbreak is not ever knowing what it is to love.

A beautiful poet recently said, to know is to be able to recognise an absence. You cannot recognise an absence unless the absence owns you. .


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