Here’s the thing… I’m not broken-hearted. I should be. I know, I should be. But I am not. And I’ve been feeling mighty guilty about that. So I’ve been hiding.
10 years is a long time to invest in anything. 10 years is a long time to invest in a relationship between two people who hope to forge a lifetime partnership. Especially so is when in truth the relationship exists ONLY in both your hopes because life and aspirations pull both of you in totally different directions. But 10 years is a long time to hold on to something you know won’t work just because you made a promise and you believe in keeping promises.
I’ve walked away. I figured that it was time to stop hurting myself and the guy on the other end of the phone line.
The thing is, I expected a barrage of emotions and regret. In fact, earlier when I first realised what I had to do, I cried. I cried for 10 years worth of adventure, fun, hope, disappointment, more hope, change, silence, rekindled fires, more adventure, and then insight.
After the tears, I second-guessed myself. Maybe because my family and friends all firmly believed that this ‘thing’ was right for me, that it kept me right, that I was stubborn and reluctant to compromise, that…
This ‘thing’ it was good when it was good, but when it was bad it demanded that I deny myself, that I give up on my dreams, that I live someone else’s dreams. that I give up my principles…
The thing is, I fulfilled those demands for a while without even knowing I was. No, I held on to my dreams, I held on to my goals, I kept some vestiges of sanity. But I forgot one of my core principles:
to love without condition.
What this principle means to me is that I take the dynamics of a situation and work with it to make things better, without demanding that the people I have chosen to love then change or give up their principles in order for me to love them within those dynamics.
So fine, I wouldn’t change, or give up my identity, why would I demand that the person I claim to love changes or gives up their identity? And thus came the revelation that I have apparently been waiting for for 10 years.
The tears did not come. This has perhaps been the most shocking thing about this whole thing. That I have come to an acceptance without the terror and pain I dreaded before. That I am indeed fine, maybe stronger.
So he asked today, if I have any regrets. His pretty brown eyes are rimming with tears, and I feel a little guilty because I want to smile. It’s a little hard to think about the tough times, because when I think of him, I only see the things I’ve learnt, the fun we’ve had.