To gather strength, and courage, and confidence with each blast of fear, with each dose of disappointment, with each revelation of weakness.
Sometime around 2012 something inside me broke. Well, to be honest, I was a whole lot dented before that but something definitely broke in 2012.
I’d like to blame it on everyone except myself, but the honest truth, I have taken a look in the mirror. Several times. I even slapped myself a coupla times to see if I could wake up from the numb apathy.
I’m not sure I know how to describe it. It’s not exactly that I don’t care, about things going on around me, injustices, crime, social breakdown, people, children, women, life in general. I do care. Vaguely. But its all become this loud din in my head. It’s become a tinnitus that I’ve learnt to compensate for and live with. I can hear it, and sometimes it bothers me, but I know I can’t get rid of it so I live with it.
I’ve gotten very good at faking it. I fake everything from enthusiasm about my work to enthusiasm about life. I think everyone but my dog buys it. Guillermo doesn’t quite buy it. When I go out to play with him, he fools around for a bit, then pauses with this worried look on his cute mug. He lets out a semi-whine and plonks onto the ground. We’ve settled into a routine. Every morning I go out with a book, or the ipad so I can read. But first Guillermo and I try to play; the zest goes out fast and we sit down, he to stare forlornly into the vast horizon, and I try to try and get lost in the plot of some book so I don’t hear the ringing in my ears.
The new doctor thinks that this long season of depression is directly related to a case of Cushing’s Syndrome related to corticosteroid medication for SLE. He has me trying new regimens to see if I can pull out of the funk. But it’s all such an exhausting hussle – eating healthy when my body craves carbs and sugar, working out when my body gives out after 2 minutes of activity, taking my meds when some of them cause horrendous side effects, being positive when I can’t bring myself to feel much…
We’ve been talking about articulating how I feel, so this is my attempt at articulating. And here’s my wish for 2015.
Be good to me, 2015. I’ll put in the work. I’ll smile, and be kind to others. I’ll try and keep up with my obligations. I’ll push myself a little harder. Just be good to me, 2015.