My last post hinted that I’ve come to some kind of acceptance and contentment about my situation living with Lupus. This is not to say that because of my life with Lupus I no longer have goals, dreams, ideas… It might take me a little longer, and I might need a whole lot of help to actualise most of them, but I do have them.

I am rewatching this show Rosewood, about a Miami Medical Examiner who teams up with a Detective to solve crimes.

The Medical Examiner sort of represents the kind of health challenges that seem like unbeatable obstacles, a failing heart, compromised lungs, weak kidneys etc because of being born a preemie and a lifetime of a body that fails and betrays you. How do you survive this?

The Detective represents the kind of emotional worries that would leave a person psychologically crippled. After being abandoned by her father, this detective works hard to be a cop, finds a person she believes is the love of her life then one day he just drops dead. How do you survive this?

I’m still rewatching the parts where the ME and the detective are getting to know one another. It sounds a lot like my brain fighting with my heart (not the physical one, the other one for feeling).

The ME, despite his physical challenges, wakes up every morning, runs on the beach and tries to enjoy the sunrise. His body often kicks his ass. Pulmonary hypertension causes tinnitus and muscle cramps. But he doesn’t let it faze him. He is stubborn though. Although he does eventually hook up with a cardiologist (quite literally), at first he insists on treating himself, running diagnostics and self prescribing which is so bad on so many levels.

Lady Detective has about the same problems except on an emotional level. Eventually, her anger management problems send her to rehab which turns out to be a disaster, but the kinks finally work themselves out. She attempts to date someone, but eventually he leaves her for a Doctors without Borders job in Kenya.

You get my drift. Things go wrong. The things you expect to go wrong go wrong. The things you hope will work out will go wrong. But that isn’t to say some things won’t work out. Some things will be amazing!

When Doc’s mother puts him on the spot when he removes himself off the transplant list because he feels it will be a waste of a heart that will probably be rejected by his body because of his peculiar circumstances, Doc says something to the effect of: You work with what you have, mum. You do your best, minimise the risks, enjoy the blessings and what will be will be.

Lady Detective gets somewhat similar advice about her emotional state.

I can vaguely recall what happens ahead on the show, so I’m not going to pretend that Rosewood is this great artistic metaphor for life. Its just the reason I pushed myself to do some stretches today even though it hurt like hell, and I hope to work towards getting my strength back after a particularly bad Lupus flare. That’s the goal I’m working towards right now.

Goals: Jessamyn Stanley


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